Mikileaks: Posh Boy Philosophy revealed

Warning: Some of the information in this picture may have been obtained by listening in on private telephone conversations. Or maybe not. Our investigative reporter didn't tell us and we wouldn't say even if he did. In any case he was acting on his own.

We appreciate that some of the language used in the document above may not be familiar to everyone, so we have added a few explanatory notes which we hope you will find helpful:

People

Karl Marx

Josef Stalin

Why Cameron resembles a fish in a condom

Philosophy

"From each according to their ability, to each according to their need"

Posh Boy Politics

Open any newspaper*, any day, any page, and read about:

• hitting the disabled

• hitting the poor

• hitting the young: Sure Start - Educational Maintenance Allowance - tuition fees

• hitting the old

• hitting the unemployed

• wrecking the health service

• dismantling the education system: school curriculum - academies - so-called "free" schools - university funding

• starving the arts

• cheating the voluntary sector

• destroying democracy: constituency boundaries - voting reform

• cosying up to Murdoch*

Hardly any of these measures were in their election manifesto nor in the coalition agreement, few are based on reliable evidence, many haven't even been costed.

Posh Boy Etonomics

- letting the banks off the hook

- fomenting unemployment

- privatising anything and everything

- telling porkies about the economy

Posh Boy Outlook on Life

And all handled with seemingly effortless, patronising effrontery: "I'm incredibly optimistic"

We could go on but it's nearly bedtime. More helpful links to follow.

Note:

* if your newspaper isn't telling you about all this, ask yourself why

Mikileaks: He's a Liar Liar

Mikileaks hears that the Posh Boys have been caught telling Porky Pies! The evidence collected by Captain Ska and his friends is incontrovertible, and very catchy. It is available from iTunes and other online music stores, for Xmas No 1 (proceeds to: Crisis, Disability Alliance, FalseEconomy and Women's Health Matters).

Remember - "We're all in this together"!

Mikileaks: Posh Boys wreck the joint

Mikileaks Exclusive

Insider sources have confirmed the identities of several of the students responsible for the current spate of violent attacks on our institutions. Amongst the gang leaders are Master D Cameron, Master G Osborne and Master B Johnson. It is believed all three harbour ambitions to "be something" in politics.

Cameron expressed the group's strategy succinctly to our undercover agent: "Things got a bit out of hand and we'd had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets".

Mikileaks calls on members of the public to remain vigilant. This gang is dangerous and are clearly intent on wrecking anything they can get their hands on.

Brighton students say no to Posh Boy cuts

Students at the University of Brighton have been occupying a lecture room since last Thursday, in protest at the Coalition Government's plans to raise tuition fees and slash funding for teaching. Similar occupations are taking place at a number of other universities around the country, and more are likely after tomorrow's Day of Action.

I was at the Falmer campus this morning, for the lecture I do on Contemporary Spanish Cinema, and as I came away I was approached by a couple of students with petitions and leaflets.

- Excuse me, are you a student?

- Erm, well, no, actually I'm a retired lecturer . . .

- Great. We'd like to ask for your support for the action we're taking over the cuts.

None of the students taking part in the occupation have been involved in anything like it before. No-one has, since 1968. So they're learning as they go along, and they're learning fast. Marches, demonstrations, leaflets, petitions, banners; food, cleaning, and doubtless sleeping arrangements; discussions, debates, lectures; they're also reaching out to other sectors hit by the cuts. They've only been there a week but they're going full-swing.

So the Posh Boys look as though they've managed to politicise a whole new generation, in just five weeks since the cuts were announced. Big Society indeed.

The Brighton students are using social media to good effect - they have a blog: Brighton Students Against Cuts , a Facebook group: Brighton University Stop The Cuts, and a Twitter stream: UoB Occupation; the picture above comes from their image site: Pavilion Parade Occupation, and they have a video channel too: Brightonstopthecuts - see Brighton drivers honk their support:

Toffs and Turncoats

The happy phrase is Nick Passmore's, not mine. Here they are, delivering what they patronisingly term their 'Comprehensive Spending Review'.

There are actually four Toffs in this picture, although we can only see three of them unless we really know where to look. And please don't strain your eyes trying, you'll only end up at the optician's, and it'll cost you a fortune, even more than a bus ride.

Two of them are also Turncoats. Turncoat No.1 can be identified by his subtle yellow tie; along with Toff No.1 he is attempting to nod sagely at what he wants us to think are the words of wisdom of Toff No.2. And Turncoat No.2? Well, he's hiding behind Toff 2; we surmise he's licking that part of 2's anatomy nearest to him, as he has been doing for the last 6 months.

Toff 2's speech can roughly be summarised thus: 

We and our kind got us into this mess, so you lot are going to have to get us out of it. We're all in this together, but we know our place, and we know yours as well. This is going to hurt you more than it hurts us. That's what we're here for. We're looking after our lot, you can look after yours.

Jobs, pay, pensions, welfare, transport, health, education, arts - even the police and the armed forces - all trashed in an orgy of smug, smarmy, hypocritical, prevaricating self-righteousness. And aimed disproportionately at those least able to withstand it; but they're not likely to vote Toff anyway, if they vote at all, so what do they matter?

Someone described it as a performance of smoke and mirrors - how apt. The Toffs manipulate the mirrors, trying to get us to believe that less is more, down is up, cut is paste; meanwhile the Turncoats pump away at the smoke machine, hoping to prevent us from seeing what's going on.

And on a personal note - Oi, Norman - were you listening to this garbage? Are you going to vote for it? Or are you going to use your loaf?

Posh Boy's BS blast

Posh Boy gets drunk on his own BS, and shows us how to count to two.

See Steve Bell drawing this, and readers' comments.

Posh Boy has idea

Steve Bell, Guardian, 20 July

Here's what senior Tories thought of Cameron's "big idea", three months ago:

"Oliver Letwin had this great 'big society' idea, though it might have been an idea to share it with the rest of us," one normally loyal shadow minister said. "People don't really follow Oliver's philosophical discourse."

Another shadow minister echoed this criticism. "The 'big society' needs to be turned into more practical, voter-friendly language. We need to turn Oliver Letwin's Hegelian dialectic into voter friendly stuff."

A third Tory source was even blunter. "The 'big society' is bollocks. It is boiled vegetables that have been cooked for three minutes too long. It tastes of nothing. What is it?"

Well, what is it? Philosophical discourse? Hegelian dialectic?? Or just over-boiled vegetables???

Is this any help: David Cameron reveals 'big society' vision ? Hmm - philosophy, dialectic, or vegetables?

Posh Boys: Cunning Stunts

Larry Elliot in today's Guardian explains the Government's cunning plan to get the economy growing by cutting everything in sight. No-one I've heard or read, anywhere - including the Posh Boys themsleves - seems to have the faintest idea how this is supposed to work.

The answer, of course, is that it isn't. As you listen to the daily drip drip drip - should we call them the Three Drips? - of Government announcements you realise that most of them are being introduced with no economic justification whatsoever. The Tories are simply seizing on the excuse of the recession and the deficit to rush through a series of ideologically driven changes that not even Margaret Thatcher managed to force on us in the 1980s; see Gary Younge, on the opposite page of today's Guardian, for an analysis of this.

The Tories are embarking on an orgy of destruction, driven by an urge to demolish anything that could be to the credit or benefit of their political opponents, or anyone else that gets in their way. They need no justification - they're on a mission. So social services, children's services, health, education, pensions, the arts - all are hacked back. Investment dries up, jobs disappear, homes and schools don't get built. VAT is going up and wages are capped, so consumer spending will fall, and businesses big and small will fail. Meanwhile, we are confidently told, voluntary groups will plug the gaps. Without funding, of course. Cameron's "big society" is truly a Very Big Hypocrisy.

And the "Liberal Democrats" are poodling along in their wake, dazzled by being allowed to carry the odd portfolio, happy enough to squeeze into the occasional photo opportunity. For how much longer? Norman, where's that loaf?

NB: for Cunning Stunts, see this article on Spoonerisms; for cunning plans, see this one on Blackadder.

Posh boy seeks posh boy

Posh boy seeks posh boy with view to getting feet under table. Same would be appreciated for some of my friends. Several million votes in back pocket. No task too menial, principle no object.